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Thursday, April 30, 2009

My Son is LAZY

Here's my question.....My son is completely lazy!! He's in his early 20's and refuses to as much as take out the trash. I have always gladly cooked for him, cleaned for him, done his laundry, but lately I'm getting extremely tired of his attitude and his smart mouth telling me "he's not going to do that". He goes out of his way to 'find' something he needs to do when it's time to cut the grass or anything else that needs to be done. Now I find out that these emergencies away from home are all lies. I'm fed up! He has a full time job making his own money - none of which goes for groceries or any other necessity at home. When is it time for kids to move on and any suggestions on how that conversation should be handled?

When is it time for kids to move on????? How about yesterday!! Sorry to be so blunt, but he is not a kid any more, he is an adult. Sounds like he has been a bit spoiled and coddled. (no offense to you, of course)

I don't know what it's like to have grown children, so who knows that I might not do the same thing. But my first reaction is that he needs to get out on his own and do for himself. It really is for his benefit as well. How will he ever learn life skills if he's not forced to?

IF he cannot get out on his own then he at least needs to have some boundaries as to what is expected at home. Money towards groceries. Chores he is responsible for. Respectful behavior towards the rest of the family. If he can't live within the boundaries then he is choosing to leave.

The conversation needs to happen when there hasn't been any "friction". It should be at a time when everyone is just hanging out and brought up casually. I don't believe in the "we need to talk" approach. That just sets off people's defenses. You don't say if you are a single parent or if your spouse would back you up on this. I don't know if there are other kids in the home. IF you have a spouse, you both need to be on the same page. And my advice is not to discuss this in front of other children.

Hoping you're able to talk with him soon.

Alright, there's my two cents, now it's time for you all to pipe in. Start piping...


Leslie said...

I really don't have advice for this mom because my oldest is only 14. But if there are moms out there with younger kids that see their children headed in the same direction as this young man, I'll tell you what we tell our kids. "If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime." When our kids complain about having to do a chore, we just tell them that we're teaching them to "fish". Of course their eyes roll, but they get the job done.

Suzanne said...

GREAT advice Sadie!!

It's definitely time for some "tough love" and it really is for his benefit. I know it's hard not to keep taking care of them forever, but we are really doing a disservice to our children when we don't allow them (or even make them) take care of themselves. What would he do if you weren't around to take care of him any more?

Laura said...

Ok I will pipe in! I know of someone who is close to me that is in her 30's and still expects her family especially her parents to take care of her( it aint me)!
I think that when we people can help themselves then they should take care of themselves. My grandaddy says this, " you should only help the one who helps themselves".
My grandparents took care of my aunt until they died in 1993 and she was in her 40's. They paid everthing and she let them. So when they died she had no idea in how to take care of themselves. I think that a great dishonor is done when children are not taught to be able to work and pay their own way and should not expect their parents to foot the bill.

Lina said...

Adult kids need to live on their own. And we need to let them. It is important for their growth as an adult. So don't look at it as kicking him out...look at it as helping him grow into a mature adult who can take care of himself. I have three grown kids, all live on their own. The challenge for me is to LET them learn, be loving and accepting and not critical of every choice they make.